Baguette me not. by Kim Wedler
Frank, is in his late 50’s, he runs an East End market stall.
So, I’m going off to Benidorm with her indoors, so you’re holding the fort. Now the agency said you’ve had market experience. You worked with your Uncle on a scrap metal stall. So,this is bread and cheese so in my opinion…… no different. We only take cash. Prices next to the bread and cheese. Float for money in this tin, labelled money, brown paper bags under the table. So, let’s talk you through the products.
So you’ve got your Bagitt, named because obviously it fits in the bag quite nicely, Baggit, pay and then they can go. Our exotic range called ‘ Brioche’ they take it home, spread butter and composte on it, I don’t know why, takes all sorts. Who am I to judge? You have to give the customer what the customer wants.
Cornbread, made of corn, usually with sweetcorn, the one in the tin, not on the cob. That’s why its yellar in colour.
Collar bread, very popular with vicars and dog walkers.
Ciabatta bread, Italian bread. Now there’s an ancient story dating back to …….1971 that rumour has it in a small Italian town, a woman was diagnosed with terminal cancer, that is to say, she wasn’t gonna get any better. She had a large slice of this bread and her daughter couldn’t believe it, this old girl sat up and was cancer free. The daughter shouted from the roof tops in Italian ‘chia batter’ meaning she is better.
Multigrain Bread, for people that can’t make up their mind, Pita Bread usually bought by Peter.
Rye Bread (don’t bother, tastes like the inside of your sock).
Soda Bread, made from cream soda and Sourdough, the Chinese love that with their sweet stuff.
Like bread, you have your different types of customers. You have the business types, they rush in and rush out, usually on their phone holding a coffee.
You have the staller, usually Rose and Ivy, they can talk for Britain, be polite, ask them if they’ve just come out the salon, serve them and move them on as they’re taking up space. The ditherer’s, they would stand there all day deciding, so help them out. You’re soon be able to match the customer with the right bread, They’re a bit like dog owners, they have a type and after a while they start to look like each other!!!!! You’ll get the hang of it. Then there’s the ‘European’ you can’t understand them and they can’t understand you. They usually point, you do the same. Don’t point at them, that’s rude. When they’ve picked their bread, write the price on the bag, oh yes pens in the biscuit tin under the table.
Moving onto the cheese. You’ve got hard Cheese, that’s the one I’ve left out since Monday.
You’ve got your Semi Hard Cheese. That’s the one I’ve left out since Tuesday.
Blue Mold Cheese. . That’s the one I’ve left out since last Monday.
White Mold Cheese. ...You don’t wanna know.
Goat Cheese. Very popular with the farm lot.
Brie name after that actress who played ‘Captain Marvel’
Focaccia, don’t know, but it sounds dirty, so we keep that behind you on the top shelf.
Snow White and the seven actors
Eliza is in her late 40’s, sitting in a theatre dressing room in front of a mirror.
She is suave and sophisticated, known to other actors as the ‘ice queen’.
God! I hate just being in Act 2!!
The constant bodies sweating in and out of costume. The syrupy “Break a leg, darling mwah mwah”
I can think of a few people I’d like to break their bloody legs. Why is it in every production you have this mismatch of amateur actors..?
Actor one, you have ‘The Plank’ The guy that should never be put on stage unless to secure the lights, but he goes on time and time again, with a pat on the back from fellow actors and a patronizing “ At least you tried... Next time we will give you TWO lines, that is if you remember to face the right way on stage”.
Actor 2 The ‘Egocentric actor’ that sits by himself as he wants to go over his lines and “feel the part” Usually the worst actor of them all. Always doing those breathing exercises like a woman in labour!
Actor 3 The ‘Autistic actor’ who constantly needs to be given the same instruction six times and will constantly ask if it is right, via rehearsals, phone calls, texts and any media possible to reinforce every instruction. Then…Lo, and behold… The ‘dramatic breakdown’ if a move is changed before the week of the show. This results in the actor curled up like a fetus crying and thumb sucking.
Actor 4 The ‘Vain actor’. She, or he… spends the majority of the time caking themselves in make up and trying on different hats, invariably arriving late for all entrances and asking as they go on “is my hat on straight?”
Actor 5 The ‘loose cannon’. We don’t know what he’s going to say or when he’s going to come on. He arrives when he arrives and says whatever he feels like.
Actor 6 The ‘ Spare part’. Not to be confused with ‘the plank’. The plank tries desperately to act, the ‘spare part’ is usually the vicar of the church hall or the odd job man who has been coerced in as they were ‘short of men’.
Actor 7 The ‘Word-perfect’ actress…How annoying! Usually a college graduate or some academic. She’s learnt it all in week two; Can’t act for toffee though. God forbid you put any of your words in the wrong order. Complete meltdown!!!!
So that leaves me, Snow White. This millennial moronic writer has decided that the lead should just appear in Act2! Act 2!!! I ask you! I only took the part as I always play the lead. Oh no, he decides Snow White eats the apple straight away and only comes round in Act bloody 2!!!
Never again, I shall ring my agent, where’s that stupid little assistant director?
Fernando!! Fernando..! I asked for cucumber water..!!!
POSTPONED UNTIL NOVEMBER
Bella's Barmy Book Club
Bella Enthusiastic founder of the Barmy Book Club.
Sparra’ An ageing Music Hall Star – also, a ghost…
Mike Broadcaster for River Radio.
Dark Writer of Horror stories.
Worthy A War Historian.
Rose Book lover and incurable romantic.
Eunice Mum and Sci-Fi nerd.
A light and frothy comedy, with many interesting parts especially good for those who do not want to do too much line-learning!
Call Marek 07528259998 if you need another date.
The play is on at the PumpHouse Theatre, Watford on April 19th until the 25th. Rehearsals will be Sundays and Thursdays
7:45 Thursday 31st October.
Halloween with Radlett Theatre Company.
An invitation to a spooky and amusing interactive play reading at the Red Lion. Radlett.
Murder at Merlock Hall.
Five beneficiaries to Sir Duggan Merlock’s fortune have arrived to hear the reading of his will.
When one is murdered, suspicion falls on the remaining guests.
Dame Phyllida Delabole is outraged!
Captain Stig Landstrekker fondles his revolver.
The Maharajah Of Amarsingh remains inscrutable.
And Miss Melody Florentine wishes she had stayed at Drury Lane!!
There are 4 alternative outcomes to this mystery and the audience decides whodunnit ..!
All actors read from fiendishly clever scripts and all will be revealed in the comfort of the Red Lion Radlett.
Non members £5
SEPTEMBER LAUGHTER-NOON tea
Sunday 8th September
Musical show for the whole family.
An afternoon of: Singers, dancers and comedy on Paradise Island.
2:00pm - 4:30pm.
St. Matthew's church hall, St Matthews Cl, Watford WD19 4ST
Tickets must be booked in advance. £10 adults and £8 children includes cakes, cream teas, hot and cold drinks.
Further details contact: firstname.lastname@example.org
" Murder at the Boadicea" a Sherlock Holmes mystery.
" Murder at the Boadicea" a Sherlock Holmes mystery.From the pen of Baron Von Strobel!!
3rd April 2019 @ The Red Lion, Watling Road Radlett. 8pm.
A candlelit ‘radio play’(book in hand performance)
Appx 45 minutes.
Holmes and Watson are faced with their most difficult case
Lady Crowther is murdered in Mayfair with a priceless bejewelled Mycenaean dagger!
Book your tickets, join our mailing list, or get in touch!
by Marc Camoletti
Wednesday 24th April - Saturday 27th April.
Tickets start at £8.00
Performances at 7.45pm and a Saturday matinee.
The Pump House Theatre, Watford
Journalist Bernard Lawrence has his hands full in the romance department: he has three girlfriends, all stewardesses. Ingeniously, he's arranged it so that their layovers don't overlap, keeping each woman unaware of the others. But Bernard's foolproof scheme comes crashing down when new, fast jets are introduced. With the girls set to arrive at his Paris apartment all at once, matters are made worse by a surprise house guest Robert with a scheme of his own.
I HAVE AN IDEA!!
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